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Jan 13, 2021

Hey Heifers! Since I am clearly v enlightened and one with the Universe, I took it upon myself to provide you with 30 minutes of relaxation that doesn't focus AT ALL on the current state of affairs. There are a few times where it pops up due to my stress but on the whole? A totally solid meditation. Well, aside from when my intern interrupts me worried about my mental state. So it's mostly a government coup-free meditation. Um. Enjoy?




00:00 Since everything has been so stressful lately, I figured we should do a super real, professional, totes legit meditation!

01:23 Welcome to your guided meditation for coups. We're going to try to not think about them!

03:35 First diversion: You are now a bear in a forest. A sassy, extended story begins involving your salmon and an evil canoe of rats. Namaste.

07:30 The rats abandon ship, leaving behind the Rat King they supported for oh so long.

11:11 Your guide has a breakdown.

11:50 Mmk, let’s try this again. Onto Numerology!

14:25 Your guide has a psychic vision!

15:45 Um, okay, this still isn’t working, is it? Let’s try another visual: a farmer’s market with peaches!

19:30 A dog from the farmer’s market follows you and demands you give hIM a PEACH.

22:09 This...isn’t going well. Let’s visualize scrolling through Twitter to calm us down.

26:22 Congratulations on reaching the end of your meditation. You should feel SO serene now and not have that pesky coup on your mind. Nope, not at all. Ha ha! 


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I am not a health professional. I am simply someone who was diagnosed with an anxiety and depression disorder. Please talk to your friends, family, teachers, doctor, trusted human, etc. if you need help. I also have a resources page on my website that can direct you to different hotlines, therapy websites, and more at